Swamp Sounds

 It is uncharacteristic of me to struggle with my schoolwork, but I am this semester. It's one particular class that I find so nearly impossible to engage with, I hate it. My grade in there is not passing, and that's never really happened to me before. It's scary, especially as a senior who is about to graduate. 

My greatest fear is that I will lose my TA and stipend if I fail, since I will be staying at the same university. Second to that is that I won't graduate on time, at which point I will retake the class over the summer either at this university or at a community college. I also fear that an extended graduation would mess up my TA, if the failing grade wont do it. Usually I wouldn't fear a failed class this much, but because this is my last semester, I worry about what it will impact.

I have been so tired, extremely tired. I fall asleep working on projects and can't comprehend things after a certain point. I've been able to manage it so far, I've kept As and Bs in all my classes, but this semester I loaded myself up way too heavy and it's fucking me over royally. I don't have the time to rest my body, and I'm paying the price. I've gone to urgent care to make sure I didn't have mono or anything (they tested me twice, just to be sure, because of how exhausted I am) and my parents are taking me to the county hospital soon to see if they can find anything. My friends think I'll need bloodwork done. That's all fine, I guess, I'm just very upset with how this has impacted my schoolwork and possible grad school prospects. 

I'm going to talk with him soon. My own proposal is that I can make up all my lost work over spring break and then maintain a passing grade for the rest of the semester. A D will work just fine- I only want my credits at this point. I don't care about my GPA anymore. I'd like to offer to do extra work, but who knows if I'll be able to do that. I'll still try- I am trying to balance my health and my schoolwork here. I've never been the type to struggle like this, a few days ago my professors told me to go home and rest for a few days because I asked for an extension on a project! I've asked for an extension once before, and that was when my computer completely died and I had to write everything in the library. It's such a rarity for me. I'd like to imagine the prof for the class I'm struggling in will see and understand that this behavior is..... abnormal. I hate myself for it, and I know people are going to question my ability to manage grad school now. But they never would have questioned it before this semester. I just need a little grace right now, and I pray they'll be able to give me it. 

I struggle with seasonal depression from February to March every year like clockwork. With the added on stress of grad school applications, my cortisol has been high since November. Usually I am able to keep my head above the water, but with this added fatigue (likely from all this stress), it it proving to be pretty damn hard. If I can get my grades up before mid-March, I will get out of this funk and end my final semester on a good note. God willing my plan with my professor goes through. And God willing I can make good on my promises to him. 

Very sorry for the influx in vent and frustration posts. This has been a strange time for me and I am doing my best to get through it. My girlfriend has been such a massive help for me. Having someone who will cook and clean for me while I rest really changes a lot. It won't fix it, but it proves to be a much nicer environment to be miserable in. 

 Just a nice moment I had today that I want to preserve here for whenever I'm feeling down. 

Came out of my class around 3:15 and ran into a professor of mine. She's the one who was a day late with my letter of recommendation, but who is also on the board to accept grad students. I had her for a very intense writing class in fall of '24 and it's where I produced my best work. She introduced me to technical writing. She's made a very large impact on my life despite only ever having a singular class with her. 

 Anyway, I come out of my class and she says hi to me, asks me about my Barcelona sweatshirt and we exchange stories about European travels. She begins telling me about wild stories from her research, and eventually we get into what her research is. For everyone's sake, I will just summarize it and say that it is a household item from the Victorian era that, despite it's popularity in the early 19th century, is rather unknown now. I asked her a lot of questions because it sounded very interesting. 

When the conversation ended, she told me that I had the "best kind of brain", one that "will never be bored". She told me that she was very excited for me to go to grad school and that I absolutely will be going. She had to leave right after that, but it really did make me smile. I have been feeling very dumb recently. I am always so fatigued and tired. Rarely is there a day that I can actually get into academic reading anymore. There has been a sharp decline in me since I took her class. I think I do too much with people, I don't think I lay in bed and rest enough. I don't know. But it's been bugging me, and to have someone like her who I admire reassure me (when she didn't even know I was struggling to begin with) really made my day so much better. 

I am unsure of where I will go to grad school. I have good online options, but I also have applied to my current university and am not opposed to staying here. This is a small town, though. I'm scared I will continue to feel very trapped. I don't know. I have such good relationships with so many of my professors, and I am not sure if going to online school would allow me to create more. Part of me wants to stay here, to meet more professors and to continue my relationships with them. 

I've also been worried about what my partner would think. We'd been thinking about moving in together again in the city, where we'd both be (assuming I did online school). I didn't want to let them down or to dangle the idea of long-distance over them, and pulling out as a roommate would be shitty. Of course, there is the threat of not getting into online school at all, so we haven't made any plans, but the idea is still there. I very briefly mentioned it to them and they told me to make the decision for me. I hadn't even brought the topic of us up. And while there would be issues we'd have to overcome if we did long distance, it makes me feel a lot better that their first instinct was to encourage me to do what was best for myself. 

I have very wonderful friends and people in my life. I am very often overwhelmed by it. 

I'm sitting in the chapel on campus now. There is someone napping two rows in front of me and someone playing the piano and singing. Someone else looks to be praying further up. I like it in here. I don't come and sit here very often, but I always like it when I do. I have a poetry reading tonight that I'll be going to. My arms hurt from yesterdays workout, but it's the good kind of hurt. I've done pretty poorly in a class this semester. I've never had this sort of issue and I don't know how to go about fixing it, but I'm trying. I hope it doesn't mess up my graduation status. If I can get the credit I think I'd survive. Here's to hoping. 

 About Discord requiring IDs come March. Yet to see how intrusive it will become. I won't be doing it, obviously, but I do have to wonder what the next IC platform will be. I'm attempting to make a Stoat account (if they will fix their email issue....), as I see that name going around, but who knows if that will pick up. 

Tumblr feels like a dog on it's last leg, I'm not sure how many more years that place has got to live. I love it a lot, it's given me many good things, but I will survive without when it comes down to it. 

I am very comfortable with the rotation I have going now outside of Tumblr, that being Dreamwidth, TG, OKP, and NNP. I'm looking past any flaws these places have right now, in a world where online spaces are becoming a hotbed for surveillance, I'll take what I can get. I am also on Bsky and while I enjoy it, I find it so difficult to connect with others on it. But that's how I am with really any large platform. 

I've never been very good at discord servers. Unless it is a very small group, I struggle to find a place within a server. There are a few I will always keep up with and I moderate for two, but other than that it doesn't take up much of my life. 

In other, more positive news, it's unseasonably warm (is that positive? with climate change and all...?) and I am enjoying having the sun on my fins. I have been fantasizing about my future, about eating nothing but cured meats, raw fish, and raw fruit and veg. About having more domain over my body. Potentially getting those gill tattoos. It's nice. My body longs to shape into something amphibious.....

I'm sitting with the door open while my friend makes me chicken noodle soup. My partner got me an early valentines day gift (chocolate covered strawberries) and will be home in about an hour. I went on a long walk this morning and saw the local cypress swamps. This coming weekend I travel to see friends, and the weekend after that I take a trip to New Orleans with other friends. So I am doing okay right now. I am a happy gillman. I am missing my sharp teeth and black eyes something wicked right now, but I am happy. 

 All of the grad school has been handled for the most part. I have to make sure my writing samples are all correct, but once that's done I'll finally be able to submit them. Thank god. 

I've also fixed my schedule for my final semester. Anthro classes are in low demand, yet there are never enough to go around. One I needed to graduate got cancelled, so I had to sub it. Dropped out of Film Theory, but I didn't like that professor anyway. She talked to me like I was stupid, yet expected me to know everything about film theory despite the class having 0 prereqs and half of us never taking a film theory class to begin with. I subbed it for Poetry Theory, which I am much better at. Anyway, got an Anthro class in that spot that I'm really helping fills that last gap in my reqs. 

I also am getting introduced to a technical writer in DC! Which is going to be very cool. I'm lucky that my professors are so willing to help me make connections. It makes me feel so much better about my future. 

And then there is my curation job. I can't start until I get on the payroll, but that will be happening tomorrow and Friday. And then the big ice storm hits. My girlfriend and I are preparing as well as we can. Our apartment complex likely has a backup generator, but I've brough in one of my massive chargers just in case. Usually I keep it in my car to help jump start my battery, but she's safe at home in my room until the bad weather passes. 

My litmag has been taking the back seat a lot. Which I really hate, but thats why I have a great team and co-editor-in-chief. I'll be able to dive back in once these more pressing matters are handled.

Being forced to start fixing things with grad school was a good bit of momentum, thank god. I've waited too long to do most of these things. They should have been done in December. But I guess we all have our flaws. 

Watched Alien with my girlfriend tonight and drank Aperol spritz. I needed it. We went to wallyworld to pick up some last things before the storm and the traffic was so bad I cried trying to get out of it! But I've calmed down a lot. 

I love xenomorphs. They're a funlink of mine for a reason. Such a delight to see them and watch them and I think being one would feel so good....... all that power in your body........ 

 I've set up a way to archive tumblr blogs on my website. 

My goal is to be able to save fragments of the nonhuman community en mass, letting anyone be able to access the blogs and information in case something happens. 

It's been harder for me to access spaces online recently because of all the age-verification bills being passed. If Tumblr decides to take that route one day, or perhaps even shut down completely, then I don't want to loose all the essays and resources I've accumulated. That's really been the main goal behind my website to begin with, to compile as much as I possibly can. 

Anyway, it's open to others, if they'd like to upload their tumblr blogs to the google drive. I'm not very sure if this would be a popular idea, I didn't do any sort of interest check before I did it. But it now houses my own tumblr blog, and that's enough for me to be satisfied.

My computer is broken, and it has been for a few weeks now. Which means that my access to dreamwidth is gone until I get it fixed and get my VPN back. Or until I'm out of the state again. I've got a lot I want to say, but it will have to wait. I guess it means I get to actually draft and revise my posts, ha!

Anyway, as I write this I am riding past LA wetlands. It brings comfort - just saw a bald eagle. god, i love wetlands.

I will be out of state again in a week or so, so maybe I can share things then. I am bad at typing water on my phone, though.

Until then, be safe and I am very thankful for everyone here.

Godbwye 

 My otherkin blog has been found by an IRL due to an accident from another IRL who has a therian blog. Which happens, things happen, but it did upset me. 

I'm not worried about our friendship, he knows a decent bit about how I see myself as fish more than man, but it's still frustrating. I made that tumblr blog as a private space for myself, but now most of my close friends IRL know about it. It's not private anymore, and I find myself feeling exposed and embarrassed. 

Recently I've deleted and shut off many of my other online personas. My gillman spaces were very comfortable, but now I feel the need to run away again. I guess I was a bit too reckless with this one, not having separate accounts and all. I don't think it will end up being good for me to have this many eyes on me. Private spaces are important to me. I've had bad OCD about surveillance for years, and knowing that I don't have a space that is As Private anymore freaks me out. 

Dreamwidth is still nice, especially since I am in Mississippi. Most of those who I want to hide from don't have VPNs, so this page is all but inaccessible to them. It's not like I have anything to hide, but I just want to be alone (in regards to IRL people) a lot of the time. Who knows what will come of this, I might start posting more and more on here instead of my tumblr. 

I'm not even upset about the otherkin thing. I love talking about this part of myself, and I do think my friends would have interesting takes on it. They're all very smart and cool. This is just about the violation of privacy that I've had in my spaces by them over this past year. 

We'll see. Sorry this is so negative. I just need to get my grievances about this out in a place that wont be seen by those involved in this. Which is just strange for me to admit. Oh well. 

I had some interesting experiences this weekend. 

I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing. 

It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it. 

Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.

I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one. 

Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one. 

Luckily for me, my VPN allows me to still visit dreamwidth despite Mississippi's geolocating law. I'm glad to be able to be here still, although it makes me sad that I have to do such things. The internet should be free for us to traverse as we please.