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Frog-blinking
Dec. 14th, 2025 12:10 pmMy computer is broken, and it has been for a few weeks now. Which means that my access to dreamwidth is gone until I get it fixed and get my VPN back. Or until I'm out of the state again. I've got a lot I want to say, but it will have to wait. I guess it means I get to actually draft and revise my posts, ha!
Anyway, as I write this I am riding past LA wetlands. It brings comfort - just saw a bald eagle. god, i love wetlands.
I will be out of state again in a week or so, so maybe I can share things then. I am bad at typing water on my phone, though.
Until then, be safe and I am very thankful for everyone here.
Godbwye
Anyway, as I write this I am riding past LA wetlands. It brings comfort - just saw a bald eagle. god, i love wetlands.
I will be out of state again in a week or so, so maybe I can share things then. I am bad at typing water on my phone, though.
Until then, be safe and I am very thankful for everyone here.
Godbwye
Frustrations
Nov. 22nd, 2025 12:42 pmTalking about sexual assault and false allegations. Non-graphic mentions of pedophilia, rape, and other acts of sexual violence.
( read more )
( read more )
Strange Things
Nov. 12th, 2025 12:13 pm My otherkin blog has been found by an IRL due to an accident from another IRL who has a therian blog. Which happens, things happen, but it did upset me.
I'm not worried about our friendship, he knows a decent bit about how I see myself as fish more than man, but it's still frustrating. I made that tumblr blog as a private space for myself, but now most of my close friends IRL know about it. It's not private anymore, and I find myself feeling exposed and embarrassed.
Recently I've deleted and shut off many of my other online personas. My gillman spaces were very comfortable, but now I feel the need to run away again. I guess I was a bit too reckless with this one, not having separate accounts and all. I don't think it will end up being good for me to have this many eyes on me. Private spaces are important to me. I've had bad OCD about surveillance for years, and knowing that I don't have a space that is As Private anymore freaks me out.
Dreamwidth is still nice, especially since I am in Mississippi. Most of those who I want to hide from don't have VPNs, so this page is all but inaccessible to them. It's not like I have anything to hide, but I just want to be alone (in regards to IRL people) a lot of the time. Who knows what will come of this, I might start posting more and more on here instead of my tumblr.
I'm not even upset about the otherkin thing. I love talking about this part of myself, and I do think my friends would have interesting takes on it. They're all very smart and cool. This is just about the violation of privacy that I've had in my spaces by them over this past year.
We'll see. Sorry this is so negative. I just need to get my grievances about this out in a place that wont be seen by those involved in this. Which is just strange for me to admit. Oh well.
I'm not worried about our friendship, he knows a decent bit about how I see myself as fish more than man, but it's still frustrating. I made that tumblr blog as a private space for myself, but now most of my close friends IRL know about it. It's not private anymore, and I find myself feeling exposed and embarrassed.
Recently I've deleted and shut off many of my other online personas. My gillman spaces were very comfortable, but now I feel the need to run away again. I guess I was a bit too reckless with this one, not having separate accounts and all. I don't think it will end up being good for me to have this many eyes on me. Private spaces are important to me. I've had bad OCD about surveillance for years, and knowing that I don't have a space that is As Private anymore freaks me out.
Dreamwidth is still nice, especially since I am in Mississippi. Most of those who I want to hide from don't have VPNs, so this page is all but inaccessible to them. It's not like I have anything to hide, but I just want to be alone (in regards to IRL people) a lot of the time. Who knows what will come of this, I might start posting more and more on here instead of my tumblr.
I'm not even upset about the otherkin thing. I love talking about this part of myself, and I do think my friends would have interesting takes on it. They're all very smart and cool. This is just about the violation of privacy that I've had in my spaces by them over this past year.
We'll see. Sorry this is so negative. I just need to get my grievances about this out in a place that wont be seen by those involved in this. Which is just strange for me to admit. Oh well.
Horsing Around or..... Horse
Nov. 10th, 2025 07:39 pm My girlfriend, while laying with me in bed, had a horse tail phantom shift. This is shocking because they are an orthohuman. They have, briefly, adopted a 'linking identity on tumblr (as we both have many real-life friends who are active in the tumblr alterhuman sphere alongside me and my girlfriend wanted in on the fun), but the side-blog is rarely used. And it's for a crow linktype, not a horse!
I will admit, I enjoyed their expression as they processed what they just experienced. It's a weird sensation the first time it really happens. They had it only very briefly, but it was potent enough to make them pause.
This isn't the first time I've been with an orthohuman while they have a brief cameo. I'm not open with the nonhuman label specifically, but I won't hide my phantom sensations or connection to gillmen if the conversation deems it appropriate. At one point, I explained my simple meditation process for forcing phantom sensations a dear friend of mine. She tried it out, and ended up with phantom fairy wings for three days! She was baffled, and I just had to giggle. Many don't understand how vivid these things can be or that they're even real until it happens to them.
I explained to my girlfriend about how I developed phantom sensations and how they're not really that uncommon. It was a good, short conversation before they had to go to their office hours.
Just a moment from today I wanted to stash somewhere. Will my girlfriend end up being alterhuman in some way? I don't think so, personally. They still feel very human (compared to my nonhuman friends whom feel distinctly Animalistic). I think this was a cameo from simply being exposed to nonhuman content through me and some very strong emotions they've been feeling recently.
But who knows, really? I may be dating a horse!
I will admit, I enjoyed their expression as they processed what they just experienced. It's a weird sensation the first time it really happens. They had it only very briefly, but it was potent enough to make them pause.
This isn't the first time I've been with an orthohuman while they have a brief cameo. I'm not open with the nonhuman label specifically, but I won't hide my phantom sensations or connection to gillmen if the conversation deems it appropriate. At one point, I explained my simple meditation process for forcing phantom sensations a dear friend of mine. She tried it out, and ended up with phantom fairy wings for three days! She was baffled, and I just had to giggle. Many don't understand how vivid these things can be or that they're even real until it happens to them.
I explained to my girlfriend about how I developed phantom sensations and how they're not really that uncommon. It was a good, short conversation before they had to go to their office hours.
Just a moment from today I wanted to stash somewhere. Will my girlfriend end up being alterhuman in some way? I don't think so, personally. They still feel very human (compared to my nonhuman friends whom feel distinctly Animalistic). I think this was a cameo from simply being exposed to nonhuman content through me and some very strong emotions they've been feeling recently.
But who knows, really? I may be dating a horse!
I had some interesting experiences this weekend.
I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing.
It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it.
Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.
I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one.
Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one.
I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing.
It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it.
Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.
I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one.
Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one.
Morning Musings
Sep. 5th, 2025 08:47 amChattering my teeth at some of the beautiful journals on here... I'd like to see if I can get mine to look like that. I'd like a nice green swampy page ;]
I'd also like to figure out how to make a sticky post, that way I can have an about me. I'll figure it out somehow some way, but for now I shall drink from my (green) coffee mug and enjoy the morning.
I have a very wonderful system. I wake up to my alarm clock, which actually plays the local radio. I get to sit in bed and listen to it for 30 minuets, then my girlfriend comes in to make sure I'm alive. I always drive them to their 8 AM classes. Then I come back home and make myself some coffee, cereal, and then I sit at my desk and do whatever I feel until 9 or 10, in which I go to campus for my classes (they usually start an hour from when I leave).
This whole process is very... shifty to me. I don't know why, but my fins are never more vivid than when I am in this routine. I think it has something to do with the solitude, the silence. The way the light rushes in through the blinds. I'm in my territory taking care of myself.
I've been debating again on getting some webbed hand gloves to just wear around. I'm unsure if every finger would be webbed of if I would leave the thumb out. Mostly because of how difficult it'd be to navigate with my pointer and thumbs webbed. I guess I could always cut it out if it becomes too much. I think it'd be so nice to have at least my webbed hands back. I've had them for over 10 years, they're a very important part of me.
That's about all I have this morning. It is nearly 9, so I need to get out and about and leave my swamp (den? burrow? what should gillmen call their home?) for class.
Godbwye.
I'd also like to figure out how to make a sticky post, that way I can have an about me. I'll figure it out somehow some way, but for now I shall drink from my (green) coffee mug and enjoy the morning.
I have a very wonderful system. I wake up to my alarm clock, which actually plays the local radio. I get to sit in bed and listen to it for 30 minuets, then my girlfriend comes in to make sure I'm alive. I always drive them to their 8 AM classes. Then I come back home and make myself some coffee, cereal, and then I sit at my desk and do whatever I feel until 9 or 10, in which I go to campus for my classes (they usually start an hour from when I leave).
This whole process is very... shifty to me. I don't know why, but my fins are never more vivid than when I am in this routine. I think it has something to do with the solitude, the silence. The way the light rushes in through the blinds. I'm in my territory taking care of myself.
I've been debating again on getting some webbed hand gloves to just wear around. I'm unsure if every finger would be webbed of if I would leave the thumb out. Mostly because of how difficult it'd be to navigate with my pointer and thumbs webbed. I guess I could always cut it out if it becomes too much. I think it'd be so nice to have at least my webbed hands back. I've had them for over 10 years, they're a very important part of me.
That's about all I have this morning. It is nearly 9, so I need to get out and about and leave my swamp (den? burrow? what should gillmen call their home?) for class.
Godbwye.
VPN and Dreamwidth
Sep. 1st, 2025 07:55 amLuckily for me, my VPN allows me to still visit dreamwidth despite Mississippi's geolocating law. I'm glad to be able to be here still, although it makes me sad that I have to do such things. The internet should be free for us to traverse as we please.
