gillman | Entries tagged with pencorpus

I'm back up in the Ozarks for the holidays, and it's strange. Making me think about how and why my plenanima became so heavily fictional. When I was young and up here, I would run away into the woods when upset. Follow along the coyote paths and collect the bones from their hunts. I'd sit and watch bugs eat the dead deer. I'd collect the dead birds and bury them and I'd fish out bones from ditches and creeks. Catch snakes and crawdads and bugs. It's where I ran to when everything up here became too much (which was, to be honest, very often). I'd climb up onto the cliffs and sit at the edge, so high that buzzards and hawks flew at my eye level.

A lot of my nonhumanity, especially as an early child, came from my family in the Ozarks. And so I find it strange that throughout all my iterations and versions, even going into my current pencorpus, none of them resemble the wildlife up here. My feelings of nonhumanity are never stronger than they are when I'm up here. I'd expect myself to take the form of the place I went to feel the most comfort, but it's not. It's always been something very far off, very different.

It probably has to do with my general use of escapism. I protected myself by retreating so far into my head that the real world can't touch me. So I guess that meant that the beasts of this world couldn't get to me.

My plenanima is so deeply fictional, it's completely rooted in the coping mechanism that kept me safe when the stress was enough to render me constantly ill.

I've recently realized that my pencorpus really lacks a fictional essence. I'm starting to wonder if it's not "central to my identity" not because it's not inherent to me, but because I have been so fictional for so long that I am struggling to connect with nonhuman identity that is rooted in reality. The boar and donkey and bird aspects of me are definitely there, but they are locked away. I feel like I should be able to touch them the way I touch and interact with amphibians and reptiles, but I struggle to.

There is also the thought of plenanima/pencorpus as some stronger, deeper type of duality to me. I've spoken about it before here and on my main blog, but gender for me is very nebulous and hard to navigate due to certain things being pushed onto me as a young teen. Because I wasn't feminine in the correct way (being tomboyish, not shaving, no makeup), my family assumed I had to be a trans man. Every time I deviated from the presentation they wanted, I was interrogated about my gender identity. They insisted that the only reason I'd be the way I was was because I was a closeted trans man. It confused me, it made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be a woman and I'd only ever find myself in masculinity. The thing is, I'm not a trans man or really even trans-masc. Engaging with that identity felt wrong, but its what I thought I had to be. This idea of a "masculine identity that i am both allowed to be and that feels good" manifested itself in my fiction in complex ways. It's an emotion that is very evident in my plenanima.

I didn't really start to realize what had happened until very recently.

My pencorpus came about a year and a half ago, in summer of 2024. The things that happened in my mind and to my sense of self in that time shan't be repeated here, but it was tied closely to my experiences growing up in the Ozarks. It established a hard line in my mind between "me" and "not me" that was distressing and hard to navigate and control. I was very dissociated, and that disconnect from my plenanima gave way to many many cameo shifts and paratype developments. The dissociation faded, eventually, but I haven't really been able to shake that sort of... separation. What happened that month has haunted me and while I do not think plenanima/pencorpus is akin to that, I do notice similarities between a "me but to the right" and a "me but to the left". Both are me, but one developed from coping mechanisms, isolation, and escapism. The other is blurry and unfocused, but free of whatever constraints are on the other.

I am, as a gillman, not allowed to be feminine. Others have never let me do it in a way that's comfortable or feels right, it's always been taken away and then weaponized against me. I don't think I can be faulted for trying to find safety in being masculine, it really was my only option for a long while. Even still, it is safer for me. I'm still actively interrogated about my gender by family, dressing or looking traditionally feminine makes me feel sick. It's easier to claim masculinity, the thing that's been pushed on me for so long, than it is to exist as feminine despite my status as a cis woman.

My pencorpus does not care, there is liberation and joy in existing as a woman outside of cishet expectations. Seeing my body as something more akin to a female boar lets me exist in my skin and in my gender. Things that would be warning signs to my plenanima are natural to my pencorpus.

A lot of this has been discovered with the (unknowing) help of my girlfriend, who has given me a safe place to figure out how I want to be seen, treated, and desired. Being able to engage with parts of myself that have been severely neglected in a safe way has really helped me realize a lot of this.

I have dabbled with the thought that maybe this is some sort of plural situation. A part of me that developed under chronic stress as an attempt to keep me safe (plenanima) and then a part of me that has been preserved and protected from the stressors (pencorpus). I have completely different feelings around gender and my nonhuman wants and desires absolutely change. But I ultimately don't think that's what it is, and even if that argument could be made, I don't think calling it that would help at all. It gives these two things too much separation in me, implies that there is some difference or split in my sense of self or two different influences. When it's really just.... different traits coming out in response to my environment. All fully me. I'm just finally learning how to actually engage with the parts of me that I've forced into hiding for so long.

I think that I am still very heavily a gillman, and I will be for a long while still. But I also think that being a jersey devil will begin to become more important to me as I continue to exist in safe spaces, like I do with my girlfriend. Right now, I doubt that I will ever stop being a gillman, I just expect my whole set up to slowly morph into an equal duality than a primary vs. secondary thing.

If any of this makes sense at all.

Thanks for reading and dealing with my ramblings.

Godbwye.

In making pencorpus for myself, I've unleashed a beast and now can't really think of a way to talk about myself without having an opposite of pencorpus.

We know that pencorpus is about nonhuman experiences I have that are not incredibly important to me. I experience them, they aren't somehow "lesser" than or "less vivid" than other experiences. They're just not central to my identity. But that leaves a gap in my vocabulary- what IS central to my [nonhuman] identity, and how do I talk about it in regards to my pencorpus? I've drawn a line between "central to identity" and "not central to identity" but only named one side of it. So I'm going to call this unnamed side, this bag that holds all of the identities that are central to my sense of self, a plenanima. Full (plen) soul (anima), to oppose the pen (almost) corpus (body). This allows me to differentiate between these two types of things I experience.

Being a gillman otherkin and alien satelle are the two big players in my plenanima, with my xenomorph link and stitch fictionkin nesting inside of the alien satelle. There is my gargoyle otherheart, as well. I am unsure where my minotaur archetrope sits, as it effects my pencorpus but is central to my identity. Respontis, perhaps. An item (res) that briddges (pontis), although I'm not sure if labeling this in-between is necessary right now. But I'll put respontis in my pocket just in case. This is about plenanimas.

Like my pencorpus creates a jersey devil, my plenanima creates a gillman. There is, of course, a gillman kintype within the plenanima, but I simply can not ignore how my connection with cephalopods, bugs, shellfish, other invertebrates, and fish as a whole deeply impact my form as a gillman. I like gillmen, I'd enjoy being one without all of this extra stuff, but the wonder and connection I feel when I see some of these other beasts is so strong and so important to me that I can't meaningfully talk about my identity as a gillman without at least acknowledging all of these different influences. Otters, seals, eels, cetaceans, and so many others.

There has always been an element of fluidity in my identity. I've talked about this, and it's not new to me. I've changed shapes and forms multiple times. I don't like to be pinned down to a singular thing, if my identity gets too singular I have to leave and run for another. This hasn't been happening with nonhumanity, but I feel like the language I have to describe myself is limited to "multiple full, separate things", "lesser things", and "fully shapeshifter". I haven't found the language to talk about how all of these things are connected all of the time, how this fluidity still revolves around a single concept, that even cameo shifts and paratypes impact everything else. Plenanima and pencorpus let me do that, and I can talk about an identity with the added context that it interacts with every other thing in this identity bag I've made for myself.

I'm not going to make a coining post for plenanima like I did satellotype or pencorpus because I just don't need to. Satelle and pencorpus were always for me, and no one else. I don't care if others use them, I'd be glad to know that others find value in them, but I'm not a term or identity coiner and looking back I think it's a little silly that I formatted those posts like that.

In my post "On Octopi" I talked about how I was going to avoid plenanima because I didn't want to split up my identity into so many different parts. That's still true, but ever since I introduced myself to the idea of plenanima, I haven't been able to shake it. It works so well, it makes so much sense for me. Over the past month I've been trying to think about my fluidity like I did before I knew all about the different nonhuman terms. Small bits that make up a larger one, like a blackberry. Not separate things to be named. That's what my goal for plenanima is, I think. And it's been working so far. It feels great.

Thanks for reading.

Godbwye.

Current Mood: pleased

Originally posted on tumblr on Sep. 28, 2025.

Been getting a hog tail for a bit now and it's so fun. Tails are so rare for me, especially the more common types like canine/feline. And although I get fins, I am not merfolk so I don't really get any fun fishy appendages.

Went to go look at it to figure out how long it was and.... it wasn't there. But it goes down to about my knee when straight. Curves in a loop right at the end when relaxed, not up against my body like a lot of pigs have. It also feels more prehensile? I have a lot of really specific control over it.

I'm 99% sure this came from a Pathfinder character I play, Pan. I get cameos for my cow minotaur, Io, when I play her as well. They're one of the reasons why I keep debating over minotaurs and if there is any connection with me to them. It didn't start with Io, it started with reading Circe in 2019. The chapters with the minotaur always did me in. There is Something About Them that really resonates with me and I'm not sure what it is. Anyway it's no surprise that they trigger cameo shifts.

Both of them fall into my jersey devil pencorpus, which is always really interesting. My jersey devil is always changing, always shifting. It's a ton of fun. I've been having these very basic red dragon wings with it, but I'll often get bird or angel or (more accurate) bat wings. It's great it's wonderful. Hooves are so much fun.

I simply really enjoy my pencorpus and I'm very excited to finally have a word for it that feels right and that lets me talk about it properly. I've noted "plenanima" before on tumblr, and I'd like to explore it more when I have the time/energy. But it's really the opposite of pencorpus. My plenanima consists of being a gillman otherkin and alien satelle and all my mermaid/selkie/siren paratypes, and a few other things. That all sort of form this "gillman (expanded) experience". My gillman plenanima isn't just being a gillman otherkin, it's also every other identity that I feel Deep In My Bones. When I say I'm a gillman, I am including all of these other tangential feelings and experiences that may not always be gillman specific, but rather very important to my sense of self and overall nonhumanity.

Whereas pencorpus is the same gathering of identities and experiences that I may enjoy and love, but aren't necessarily crucial to how I as an individual feel or experience the world.

The name of the pencorpus or plenanima (jersey devil or gillman, respectively) aren't necessarily literal, but just the best interpretation of the picture both of these are making. I'm tracing the shadows of these identities out in chalk and looking for pictures in them the same way I look for pictures in clouds but like. A little deeper than that. If this makes any sense at all.

Current Mood: chipper

I had some interesting experiences this weekend.

I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing.

It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it.

Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.

I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one.

Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one.

Current Mood: relaxed

This is the second and only other term I have made for myself. See the original post on tumblr here.

Pencorpus

From Latin paene ("almost") and corpus ("body"). Literally meaning "almost a body". Inspired by the word "penumbra", which is defined as "a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light" or "a surrounding or adjoining region in which something exists in a lesser degree".

A term to describe a nonhuman identity that is not experienced in full or otherwise feels hollow, disjointed, fractured, or void of emotion [when compared to an individuals other nonhuman identities].

A group of regularly occurring nonhuman experiences that are not linked to an already known kintype, theriotype, or other personal nonhuman identity; not categorized wholly as a cameo shift or otherwise made up of too many moving parts to be easily described as a cameo shift; not inherently connected, but often times experienced within close proximity of each other; important to someone's experience. A pencorpus is considered an identity or state of being purely because the body or mind is experiencing itself as that thing, not because of a spiritual or emotional connection.

A pencorpus is not a singular experience, but rather a way to describe multiple shifts or experiences without having to explicitly describe each one. A pencorpus may be made up of different cameo shifts, residual shifts from anteatypes, or any other combination of experiences. It is is a labeled bag to throw things into so that you can talk about them more easily.

Further Discussion

This term, much like satellotype, was created for my personal use. Anyone is free to use it (I would be happy to know that I've helped others articulate themselves), but do note that this is me looking at myself, as opposed to me looking at the community.

I have a lot of cameo shifts. I am the type of beast who can call upon any phantom sensation at will. I have been since I was 7 or 8. Many times, I default to a gillman. Not always, though, and when I'm not a gillman, I have a variety of cameo shifts. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes its only one, sometimes I experience them all in a day one at a time. If you take all of my regular cameo shifts and shove them together, I'll look something like a jersey devil. Sometimes the specifics change, but this has been happening regularly for over a year, with some of the cameo shifts that make it up having always existed in me.

Like cameo shifts, I experience being a jersey devil without identifying as a jersey devil. But this is not a jersey devil cameo shift, it is a collection of unrelated, regularly occurring cameo shifts that resemble a jersey devil. I could, if I wanted, just call it a jersey devil 'type and move on. And many others would likely do just that, instead of coining a new term. But I have no emotional attachment to jersey devils. They mean little to nothing to me in the context of being nonhuman. It's void of all the meaning that many of my other 'types hold. It's an experience I want to talk about without attributing it more significance than it has.

There is also the question of "why not call it a cameotype?" And it makes sense, since we often talk about cameo shifts, but a cameotype is an earlier name of the paratype. And a pencorpus is, in my opinion, the spiritual opposite of a paratype. It's something you experience that is a bit disconnected from yourself, that holds little importance despite it being a state of being, as opposed to the emotionally or spiritually significant paratype.

I am putting this term on my dreamwidth the same day that I posted it to tumblr, so my thoughts on all of this don't really differ much from the tumblr post.