Frustrations
Nov. 22nd, 2025 12:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gillmanTalking about sexual assault and false allegations. Non-graphic mentions of pedophilia, rape, and other acts of sexual violence.
Recently a friend and I were having a conversation in a common area of an organization we're in. I am a cis passing woman and he's a trans man who started T last spring. We were having a conversation about how a brand new family pet of his was just killed due to blatant negligence and how HRT has been affecting his grieving process and the different emotions he's been experiencing with it.
Our conversation was reported to organization authority as "sexually graphic" and disturbing enough for people to have to leave the room. This was, keep in mind, a private conversation between us in a corner.
He is the only one who is being disciplined for it at all, despite me also having an active part of the conversation. The report also meant that he had to have a wellness check and is now on psychiatric watch. Because we talked about death, emotions, and HRT.
This comes about a year after a dear friend of mine was chased out of the state (yes, the whole state) because someone who didn't like them made up sexual assault allegations. These allegations were admitted to being fake and those who were there when the event allegedly happened also admitted that what happened wasn't actually sexual assault (the story was about how there was a consensual orgy. My friend asked to touch someone on their shoulder. Consent was given. But apparently my friend didn't ask for consent the "right way". And that was the sexual assault. I'm not joking. That was the story they put out there as a real, serious sexual assault story. That chased someone out of the state.)
It was all a ploy to get the greater community to hate my friend. And it worked, and I'm still dealing with the ramifications of it a year later. Come to find out after dealing with all of this, the community that we've been pushed out of is the same community that loves and protects known pedophiles and actual rapists who have admitted to the acts in writing (who are all cis white men, go figure). I guess it's a good thing that we got out of it (I'd have left when I found that shit out anyway), but it's deeply upsetting that many people who I thought were my friends turned against me for it.
It makes me furious when people use emotions to justify extreme actions. Sexual abusers should not be killed or sterilized, we should not immediately assume a victim is guilty and go gung-ho on punishment. I know this is an unpopular take. White cishet men go around claiming false allegations all of the time. But sexual assault allegations are not tools used against white cishet men, they're tools used against poc and queer and disabled people to justify cruel treatment. The only reason that none of these allegations have been made up about me is because they perceive me to be a white cishet woman, and therefore not a threat despite my active involvement in both of these situations (I wasn't at the orgy, to be clear, but I was lumped in with the "villainizes victims and supports sexual abusers" camp which... was something)
It pisses me off, it really does. This country has used false sexual assault allegations against men of color and trans women to justify violence for hundreds of years, and every time it's used that way, people are SO quick to call for horrific acts of "justice". This isn't me shitting on survivors, this isn't saying that survivors always get the justice they deserve (the system treats them horribly), and it's not saying that I don't believe survivors. But this IS an axis of power that people use, and we need to be aware of it.
I know sexual assault isn't easy to talk about, and so a lot of times folks don't want to interrogate how it is both a horrific crime and an axis of power. Talking about one feels like it diminishes the other. But it doesn't, actually. Being aware of how false allegations are used against minority groups does not mean that we have to shit on survivors. It's never meant that. If anything, I think it means really comprehending the severity of the act and how horrible it is that some people feel comfortable throwing those accusations around like plain gossip. These false accusations spit in the face of survivors. Many of the people who have been involved with these IRL situations with me ARE survivors and have been extremely offput and upset about how their own trauma is being used to justify these things.
That's all. I have a lot of work to do and I'm just pissed off. Needed to get this out somewhere that doesn't have a massive audience because I fear that someone would misinterpret something and I just don't have the energy for that. Believe survivors but also believe POC and queer people when they tell you that false allegations are a tool used against them to punish them for existing. Thanks.
Recently a friend and I were having a conversation in a common area of an organization we're in. I am a cis passing woman and he's a trans man who started T last spring. We were having a conversation about how a brand new family pet of his was just killed due to blatant negligence and how HRT has been affecting his grieving process and the different emotions he's been experiencing with it.
Our conversation was reported to organization authority as "sexually graphic" and disturbing enough for people to have to leave the room. This was, keep in mind, a private conversation between us in a corner.
He is the only one who is being disciplined for it at all, despite me also having an active part of the conversation. The report also meant that he had to have a wellness check and is now on psychiatric watch. Because we talked about death, emotions, and HRT.
This comes about a year after a dear friend of mine was chased out of the state (yes, the whole state) because someone who didn't like them made up sexual assault allegations. These allegations were admitted to being fake and those who were there when the event allegedly happened also admitted that what happened wasn't actually sexual assault (the story was about how there was a consensual orgy. My friend asked to touch someone on their shoulder. Consent was given. But apparently my friend didn't ask for consent the "right way". And that was the sexual assault. I'm not joking. That was the story they put out there as a real, serious sexual assault story. That chased someone out of the state.)
It was all a ploy to get the greater community to hate my friend. And it worked, and I'm still dealing with the ramifications of it a year later. Come to find out after dealing with all of this, the community that we've been pushed out of is the same community that loves and protects known pedophiles and actual rapists who have admitted to the acts in writing (who are all cis white men, go figure). I guess it's a good thing that we got out of it (I'd have left when I found that shit out anyway), but it's deeply upsetting that many people who I thought were my friends turned against me for it.
It makes me furious when people use emotions to justify extreme actions. Sexual abusers should not be killed or sterilized, we should not immediately assume a victim is guilty and go gung-ho on punishment. I know this is an unpopular take. White cishet men go around claiming false allegations all of the time. But sexual assault allegations are not tools used against white cishet men, they're tools used against poc and queer and disabled people to justify cruel treatment. The only reason that none of these allegations have been made up about me is because they perceive me to be a white cishet woman, and therefore not a threat despite my active involvement in both of these situations (I wasn't at the orgy, to be clear, but I was lumped in with the "villainizes victims and supports sexual abusers" camp which... was something)
It pisses me off, it really does. This country has used false sexual assault allegations against men of color and trans women to justify violence for hundreds of years, and every time it's used that way, people are SO quick to call for horrific acts of "justice". This isn't me shitting on survivors, this isn't saying that survivors always get the justice they deserve (the system treats them horribly), and it's not saying that I don't believe survivors. But this IS an axis of power that people use, and we need to be aware of it.
I know sexual assault isn't easy to talk about, and so a lot of times folks don't want to interrogate how it is both a horrific crime and an axis of power. Talking about one feels like it diminishes the other. But it doesn't, actually. Being aware of how false allegations are used against minority groups does not mean that we have to shit on survivors. It's never meant that. If anything, I think it means really comprehending the severity of the act and how horrible it is that some people feel comfortable throwing those accusations around like plain gossip. These false accusations spit in the face of survivors. Many of the people who have been involved with these IRL situations with me ARE survivors and have been extremely offput and upset about how their own trauma is being used to justify these things.
That's all. I have a lot of work to do and I'm just pissed off. Needed to get this out somewhere that doesn't have a massive audience because I fear that someone would misinterpret something and I just don't have the energy for that. Believe survivors but also believe POC and queer people when they tell you that false allegations are a tool used against them to punish them for existing. Thanks.
