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Hello! I am Gillman. Welcome to my journal.
This will mostly be about my experience being nonhuman, but there may be some other bits here and there.
You can find me on tumblr and nonhuman national park.
Here is my library and my personal website
My types are:
Gillman Otherkin
Alien Satellotype
Gargoyle Otherheart
Stitch Fictionkin
Xenomorph Otherlink
Jersey Devil Pencorpus
Minotaur Archetrope
If I mention or talk about a label, I will tag it.
"Journal" tag is for daily events in my life.
"Of the Swamp" is directly about my personal experience as nonhuman. Most posts will fall under this, but not all of them.
I am in my 20's and I use s/he. Do not use they/them for me, thank you.
I enjoy lurking. I am trying to start writing about my experiences more directly. Most of what happens in my brain stays in my brain.
Godbwye.
Philosophically Fictional
Oct. 17th, 2025 10:30 pmIn reorganizing my nonhumanity and the way I present it, I've decided to reconsider my own stance on being fictionfolk. I have said for a while that I am Experiment 626, and therefore already have a foot in the fictionfolk community. But the way I understand myself as Ex 626 is not the same as other fictionfolk I see. I don't believe in past lives or reincarnation or in the multiverse. Not in the way that would allow for the common fictionfolk framework to fit onto, at least. It's been difficult for me to get into the fictional community for that reasons. I can't see myself in many of my peers, so I've just been reserved to ignoring it outside of the occasional gifset or screenshot onto my tumblr blog. See, when I look at Ex 626 I see myself, just like I would see myself in a mirror. I recognize that face and body as my own. I don't feel like Stitch, though. I don't long to be that shape or want others to see me as him. It's a one-way connection. So even in that way, I am less intense that the majority of introspective fictionfolk I see. But to say that my identity isn't rooted in fiction or that I am not fictionfolk isn't wholly accurate, even if you take Stitch (and Xenomorphs and potentially the Minotaur) out of that equation. There is a deeper layer there that I've been dusting off along side everything else I've been excavating within me. I am fictional in the sense that I believe fiction is necessary for me to understand myself and that fiction-making is the natural result of self-expression.
Before I get into how I am fictional outside of fictional 'types, I need to explain the framework I'm working with. A lot of this is directly inspired by "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams. If you haven't already read "The Glass Menagerie", you can do that for free on the internet archive. "The Glass Menagerie" is considered a memory play, it is the home of a man as he remembers in. However there are scenes in the play that take place when he is not in the house and therefore could have never been apart of his memory. What is the point of these scenes? Why is our narrator not in them when this is specifically a play about his memory and his understanding of events? Is the audience to simply make room for this in their suspension of belief and go with it for the sake of the narrative, or do these scenes exist as non-literal fictions that the narrator makes up of his home in order to make sense of everything else? There is, of course, the possibility that another family member could have explained situations to him, but there is still the fact that this is a play about the narrators memory and understanding, not another family members. A popular reading of this play is to assume that these scenes are a fiction that the narrator makes up in order to help himself make sense of these relationships and events. In order to process what was going on in his life and articulate this experience to the audience, the narrator conjures up fictions and passes them as realities. It ultimately doesn't matter if these scenes are real or fake or given to him some other way. They illustrate what the narrators understanding of his family to the audience.
The use of fiction when attempting to portray reality is not uncommon in literature. There are textbooks on this topic, but it's not just limited to fiction or narrative writing. There is a sentiment within the humanities that many of us ("us" being generally anyone who enjoys literature, theory, philosophy, and other things in that vein) are crafting fictions more than anything else. Since philosophy can only exist in extremes (and therefore not in the real world), everything to do with philosophy and theory exists in a fictional projection of our world. Feminist theory may be derived from real world experiences, but the theory itself is a fiction crafted. The theory as it exists in its original, fictional state can not be perfectly applied to the real world. We may have bodies taking steps that actualize ideas that fall in line with the theory, but because philosophy can only exist in extremes that the world simply can't meet, then the theory in its whole entirety can never be perfectly applied. This is not to say that the theory is wrong or inaccurate or that it's not worth taking seriously. It's really important to take fiction seriously. Philosophy has always been explored through literature and fiction. What is Plato's Ideal State if not a fancy world building project? And any fan of Science Fiction can tell you just how real fiction can be. By crafting fiction, the sci-fi author is interacting with "What-If's" and/or trying to comprehend and communicate lived experiences in order to make the audience think or better understand the world around them.
The use of fiction when attempting to portray reality is not uncommon in literature. There are textbooks on this topic, but it's not just limited to fiction or narrative writing. There is a sentiment within the humanities that many of us ("us" being generally anyone who enjoys literature, theory, philosophy, and other things in that vein) are crafting fictions more than anything else. Since philosophy can only exist in extremes (and therefore not in the real world), everything to do with philosophy and theory exists in a fictional projection of our world. Feminist theory may be derived from real world experiences, but the theory itself is a fiction crafted. The theory as it exists in its original, fictional state can not be perfectly applied to the real world. We may have bodies taking steps that actualize ideas that fall in line with the theory, but because philosophy can only exist in extremes that the world simply can't meet, then the theory in its whole entirety can never be perfectly applied. This is not to say that the theory is wrong or inaccurate or that it's not worth taking seriously. It's really important to take fiction seriously. Philosophy has always been explored through literature and fiction. What is Plato's Ideal State if not a fancy world building project? And any fan of Science Fiction can tell you just how real fiction can be. By crafting fiction, the sci-fi author is interacting with "What-If's" and/or trying to comprehend and communicate lived experiences in order to make the audience think or better understand the world around them.
The next step is my belief that there will never be a true projection of the self. I think that every body is so deeply nuanced and complex that no matter how many labels, terms, or identities you put on to someone, none of it will ever be able to really capture the essence of someone. There will always be approximations, assumptions, and gaps to fill. That's not a bad thing, but it's just a thing that is. I say I am a lesbian, and someone knows what that means for the general population. But that term does not fully grasp what I am. We can get closer, and I'll say that I'm an aromantic lesbian. But that's still not fully accurate. Quoiromantic lesbian. Okay, but then that all intersects with gender in weird ways. Quoiromantic futch she/he lesbian. But then there are nuances with my sexuality that might be considered on the ace spectrum. And what about the origins of all of this? What about the development of it? Does this label represent how being futch isn't a fashion thing, but rather my complex relationship with butch/femme dynamics? And there is no discussion about my deep desire for a socially accepted third gender. Or my interesting desire to be altersex. But I hate all terms about being altersex and not cis but also not anything else and there are so many words but no matter how many I tack on, I will never be able to fully encapsulate my whole self or identity into a form that is digestible and understandable for anyone else. I change daily, I have no idea if the version of me that I project right now will be the same tomorrow. The odds that I publish this, look back in a week, and disagree with it are not zero. And I fully believe everyone to be like that. There isn't anything wrong with trying or wanting that, it's important to have a way to articulate about the things that are important to you. I just simply think these tools have limits and that the mind is so complex and ever-changing that there will always be a limit as to how much we can communicate about our inner worlds.
The fiction I talk about here feels far away from the fictionfolk community, but I don't think it is. We can connect "The Glass Menagerie", fiction-crafting, and the complex innerworkings of the individual. If we can never fully or accurately communicate our sense of self and if we know the best way to explore complex ideas that will never be realized in full in shared reality is though fiction, then why shouldn't fiction be the easiest way for to explore ourselves? For a lot of us, that's exactly what we do. We latch on to stories that are dear to us, we write and talk about and emulate things in fiction that help us communicate with each other. So many of us explore concepts and ideas in the fiction we craft ourselves. These imaginary realities, these little fictions, are the best tool that I believe we have when it comes to sharing ourselves in their rawest forms.
So much of myself was explored through a fiction that I created nine years ago. It unearthed things, it solidified my identity as nonhuman. Through it, I've explored my own emotions about death, about spirituality. My connection to evolution and my love for wetlands and... everything. I have to limit myself, here, because this fiction that I have created is the basis in which I explore every aspect of myself. Gender, sexuality, morality, my own interpersonal relationships with others. How I feel about politics, the environment, the food I eat. I've created a sieve through which I push everything through. It is a world that was made for me and let me outline my nonhumanity with chalk. I can not understate how impactful this fiction has been to my identity as a whole. It is no coincidence that those who know about this fiction understand me better that I understand myself and that I do not tell many about it. It's one of the most intimate things I can do with someone. It is not perfect, as I have said that I don't think you can ever perfectly project a full identity, but it is the most powerful tool I have. And I think that others would agree, that there is a very real intimacy that comes with sharing these fictions we've crafted. Even if they're not all connected or complex like mine are. Sometimes they're just simple stories. A lot of times I think people would call this OCkin. And I don't think that's inaccurate, but I do think it's sort of a small scope to use when talking about such a pervasive part of many of our lives.
Almost my entire sense of self has been explored and solidified through fiction. I explore more every day. It's a thing that I do and it's how I've always worked. There were fictions before I made my current one and sometimes there are different ones on the side. In the future, I will come up with new ones. You can not separate the use of fiction from my identity and you also can't get rid of its residue on the projections of myself. The process of pushing myself through that sieve leaves a mark that will be there as long as I continue to use fiction in this way. My whole self is constantly being examined through fiction, and therefore I consider myself to be fictional. Because fiction as a tool to understand myself is so pervasive and important to me, you can't separate any part of me from it. Such a large chunk of my understanding of myself exists purely in fiction and will likely never leave that fiction. In this way, I consider myself to be fictionfolk.
Now, I don't see this same sentiment very often. Maybe this is common and I'm just missing out! It's fully possible. Maybe this is well understood within the community and I simply haven't caught on. I'm not sure. But it's one of the reasons why I've been so hesitant to interact more with the fictionfolk community. I feel like our understanding of what it means to be fictional is so different and I don't know how to bridge this gap. It's taken me a long while to figure out how to articulate the way all of this connects, and it still has a few holes in it. But I think I'm going to call myself fictionfolk more from now on, because the use of fiction in identity formation has simply been too important for me to look over. Part of me fears that this will be like a (very) watered down version of the "metaphorically/philosophically physical nonhuman" thing, but I also trust that I have mutuals and followers and peers that will direct me away from that if this is the case.
I hope this makes sense. I hope I've gotten my point across. And I hope I will stop thinking so much about being fictional now, because it's been chewing at my brain for a while. But who knows, really. I may come back to this tomorrow and rewrite all of it.
Thanks for reading.
Godbwye.
Plenanima Problems
Oct. 14th, 2025 09:05 am In making pencorpus for myself, I've unleashed a beast and now can't really think of a way to talk about myself without having an opposite of pencorpus.
We know that pencorpus is about nonhuman experiences I have that are not incredibly important to me. I experience them, they aren't somehow "lesser" than or "less vivid" than other experiences. They're just not central to my identity. But that leaves a gap in my vocabulary- what IS central to my [nonhuman] identity, and how do I talk about it in regards to my pencorpus? I've drawn a line between "central to identity" and "not central to identity" but only named one side of it. So I'm going to call this unnamed side, this bag that holds all of the identities that are central to my sense of self, a plenanima. Full (plen) soul (anima), to oppose the pen (almost) corpus (body). This allows me to differentiate between these two types of things I experience.
Being a gillman otherkin and alien satelle are the two big players in my plenanima, with my xenomorph link and stitch fictionkin nesting inside of the alien satelle. There is my gargoyle otherheart, as well. I am unsure where my minotaur archetrope sits, as it effects my pencorpus but is central to my identity. Respontis, perhaps. An item (res) that briddges (pontis), although I'm not sure if labeling this in-between is necessary right now. But I'll put respontis in my pocket just in case. This is about plenanimas.
Like my pencorpus creates a jersey devil, my plenanima creates a gillman. There is, of course, a gillman kintype within the plenanima, but I simply can not ignore how my connection with cephalopods, bugs, shellfish, other invertebrates, and fish as a whole deeply impact my form as a gillman. I like gillmen, I'd enjoy being one without all of this extra stuff, but the wonder and connection I feel when I see some of these other beasts is so strong and so important to me that I can't meaningfully talk about my identity as a gillman without at least acknowledging all of these different influences. Otters, seals, eels, cetaceans, and so many others.
There has always been an element of fluidity in my identity. I've talked about this, and it's not new to me. I've changed shapes and forms multiple times. I don't like to be pinned down to a singular thing, if my identity gets too singular I have to leave and run for another. This hasn't been happening with nonhumanity, but I feel like the language I have to describe myself is limited to "multiple full, separate things", "lesser things", and "fully shapeshifter". I haven't found the language to talk about how all of these things are connected all of the time, how this fluidity still revolves around a single concept, that even cameo shifts and paratypes impact everything else. Plenanima and pencorpus let me do that, and I can talk about an identity with the added context that it interacts with every other thing in this identity bag I've made for myself.
I'm not going to make a coining post for plenanima like I did satellotype or pencorpus because I just don't need to. Satelle and pencorpus were always for me, and no one else. I don't care if others use them, I'd be glad to know that others find value in them, but I'm not a term or identity coiner and looking back I think it's a little silly that I formatted those posts like that.
In my post "On Octopi" I talked about how I was going to avoid plenanima because I didn't want to split up my identity into so many different parts. That's still true, but ever since I introduced myself to the idea of plenanima, I haven't been able to shake it. It works so well, it makes so much sense for me. Over the past month I've been trying to think about my fluidity like I did before I knew all about the different nonhuman terms. Small bits that make up a larger one, like a blackberry. Not separate things to be named. That's what my goal for plenanima is, I think. And it's been working so far. It feels great.
Thanks for reading.
Godbwye.
We know that pencorpus is about nonhuman experiences I have that are not incredibly important to me. I experience them, they aren't somehow "lesser" than or "less vivid" than other experiences. They're just not central to my identity. But that leaves a gap in my vocabulary- what IS central to my [nonhuman] identity, and how do I talk about it in regards to my pencorpus? I've drawn a line between "central to identity" and "not central to identity" but only named one side of it. So I'm going to call this unnamed side, this bag that holds all of the identities that are central to my sense of self, a plenanima. Full (plen) soul (anima), to oppose the pen (almost) corpus (body). This allows me to differentiate between these two types of things I experience.
Being a gillman otherkin and alien satelle are the two big players in my plenanima, with my xenomorph link and stitch fictionkin nesting inside of the alien satelle. There is my gargoyle otherheart, as well. I am unsure where my minotaur archetrope sits, as it effects my pencorpus but is central to my identity. Respontis, perhaps. An item (res) that briddges (pontis), although I'm not sure if labeling this in-between is necessary right now. But I'll put respontis in my pocket just in case. This is about plenanimas.
Like my pencorpus creates a jersey devil, my plenanima creates a gillman. There is, of course, a gillman kintype within the plenanima, but I simply can not ignore how my connection with cephalopods, bugs, shellfish, other invertebrates, and fish as a whole deeply impact my form as a gillman. I like gillmen, I'd enjoy being one without all of this extra stuff, but the wonder and connection I feel when I see some of these other beasts is so strong and so important to me that I can't meaningfully talk about my identity as a gillman without at least acknowledging all of these different influences. Otters, seals, eels, cetaceans, and so many others.
There has always been an element of fluidity in my identity. I've talked about this, and it's not new to me. I've changed shapes and forms multiple times. I don't like to be pinned down to a singular thing, if my identity gets too singular I have to leave and run for another. This hasn't been happening with nonhumanity, but I feel like the language I have to describe myself is limited to "multiple full, separate things", "lesser things", and "fully shapeshifter". I haven't found the language to talk about how all of these things are connected all of the time, how this fluidity still revolves around a single concept, that even cameo shifts and paratypes impact everything else. Plenanima and pencorpus let me do that, and I can talk about an identity with the added context that it interacts with every other thing in this identity bag I've made for myself.
I'm not going to make a coining post for plenanima like I did satellotype or pencorpus because I just don't need to. Satelle and pencorpus were always for me, and no one else. I don't care if others use them, I'd be glad to know that others find value in them, but I'm not a term or identity coiner and looking back I think it's a little silly that I formatted those posts like that.
In my post "On Octopi" I talked about how I was going to avoid plenanima because I didn't want to split up my identity into so many different parts. That's still true, but ever since I introduced myself to the idea of plenanima, I haven't been able to shake it. It works so well, it makes so much sense for me. Over the past month I've been trying to think about my fluidity like I did before I knew all about the different nonhuman terms. Small bits that make up a larger one, like a blackberry. Not separate things to be named. That's what my goal for plenanima is, I think. And it's been working so far. It feels great.
Thanks for reading.
Godbwye.
Tags:
Pigs and my Pencorpus
Oct. 1st, 2025 11:54 pm Originally posted on tumblr on Sep. 28, 2025.
Been getting a hog tail for a bit now and it's so fun. Tails are so rare for me, especially the more common types like canine/feline. And although I get fins, I am not merfolk so I don't really get any fun fishy appendages.
Went to go look at it to figure out how long it was and.... it wasn't there. But it goes down to about my knee when straight. Curves in a loop right at the end when relaxed, not up against my body like a lot of pigs have. It also feels more prehensile? I have a lot of really specific control over it.
I'm 99% sure this came from a Pathfinder character I play, Pan. I get cameos for my cow minotaur, Io, when I play her as well. They're one of the reasons why I keep debating over minotaurs and if there is any connection with me to them. It didn't start with Io, it started with reading Circe in 2019. The chapters with the minotaur always did me in. There is Something About Them that really resonates with me and I'm not sure what it is. Anyway it's no surprise that they trigger cameo shifts.
Both of them fall into my jersey devil pencorpus, which is always really interesting. My jersey devil is always changing, always shifting. It's a ton of fun. I've been having these very basic red dragon wings with it, but I'll often get bird or angel or (more accurate) bat wings. It's great it's wonderful. Hooves are so much fun.
I simply really enjoy my pencorpus and I'm very excited to finally have a word for it that feels right and that lets me talk about it properly. I've noted "plenanima" before on tumblr, and I'd like to explore it more when I have the time/energy. But it's really the opposite of pencorpus. My plenanima consists of being a gillman otherkin and alien satelle and all my mermaid/selkie/siren paratypes, and a few other things. That all sort of form this "gillman (expanded) experience". My gillman plenanima isn't just being a gillman otherkin, it's also every other identity that I feel Deep In My Bones. When I say I'm a gillman, I am including all of these other tangential feelings and experiences that may not always be gillman specific, but rather very important to my sense of self and overall nonhumanity.
Whereas pencorpus is the same gathering of identities and experiences that I may enjoy and love, but aren't necessarily crucial to how I as an individual feel or experience the world.
The name of the pencorpus or plenanima (jersey devil or gillman, respectively) aren't necessarily literal, but just the best interpretation of the picture both of these are making. I'm tracing the shadows of these identities out in chalk and looking for pictures in them the same way I look for pictures in clouds but like. A little deeper than that. If this makes any sense at all.
On The Minotaur and Myself
Oct. 1st, 2025 11:47 pmOriginally posted on tumblr on Sep. 29, 2025.
Been thinking more on the minotaur archetype. I haven't seen anyone talk about what that means, nor is there much discussion on the minotaur archetype in general. Most of it what I can find are ai written articles. Which actually really sucks. I may look a bit deeper and in a few different places to see what good analysis of the minotaur I can find, but seeing that I can not seem to find any other mention of a minotaur archetrope anywhere, it's probably on me to define it and talk about it. Since I guess I've decided that I am one now.
Been thinking more on the minotaur archetype. I haven't seen anyone talk about what that means, nor is there much discussion on the minotaur archetype in general. Most of it what I can find are ai written articles. Which actually really sucks. I may look a bit deeper and in a few different places to see what good analysis of the minotaur I can find, but seeing that I can not seem to find any other mention of a minotaur archetrope anywhere, it's probably on me to define it and talk about it. Since I guess I've decided that I am one now.
This is, again, a concept I've been chewing on for close to a year now and something I've been feeling about myself since 2019 when I was first introduced to the minotaur as an individual, and not just the monster that Theseus killed that one time (thank you, Madeline Miller, for writing Circe). The timing worked out wonderfully, and I was given the chance to make a minotaur TTRPG character right around the time that I first started thinking of myself as minotaur-like. It's been fun to explore myself through Io.
The minotaur came from a union that was foolishly made. He inhabits both the status of his mother and the temperament of his father. Because of his humanity, it would be cruel to treat him as an animal. Because of his animality, it would be detrimental to treat him as human. So, instead, he is retired to the labyrinth. I won't go into the details, because then it feels melodramatic and vent-y, but it's good to note that its there.
Like the minotaur, I inhabit a place between what is expected of me as a human and what is inherent to me as a beast. I sit at a midpoint between "so different that she can be dismissed" and "exactly what she should be". I am uncanny. So I get to tag along with everyone who is Good and Proper, but I don't get a seat at the table.
I don't want to change, and I'd rather be in my labyrinth than hide my cow-head. I enjoy getting beastly with it. I'd rather embrace and talk about beasthood than pretend to be something I'm not. But that doesn't mean that the other half of me is inaccessible or doesn't exist. It just means that you can not interact with one without encountering the other. This experience is... very integral to how I see myself in relation to my family and then world I'm from.
The minotaur means accepting and embracing that duality, it means turning my labyrinth into a garden instead of a briar patch. I am a beast to this world, and neither extreme that I sit between will ever feel "right" to me. And that's okay. There is joy to be found in that, and the minotaur archetrope really encapsulates that experience for me.
On Octopi:
Sep. 9th, 2025 10:03 pm or: "Should I Interrogate Aspects of my Identity Further?" and Why The Answer is No.
I wonder if its worth it to dive deeper into my love for cephalopods. I've loved them a lot for a while now. I remember rereading a NatGeo article for them when I was maybe 13 and just becoming obsessed with them. Believe it or not, they're the reason I'm a gillman. Dreaming about octopus aliens was the thing that pushed me out of draconity and into fishhood about nine years ago. My Octopus Teacher, The Mountain Under The Sea, Remarkably Bright Creatures.... all things that I have adored over the years.
It's very safe to say that they have impacted me deeply, but I don't know how to articulate that. It's not something separate from being a gillman, they are apart of my overall identity. When I say I am a gillman, I mean I am a cephalopod, an eel, a gar, an alligator, a sturgeon... I am all of these things and probably more shoved into a human body and told to walk on legs. Just like how the Ichthyostega was put onto its legs in the late Devonian, I, too, rise out of the swamp and find joy on land. I am a transitional fossil between the human and the aquatic. I exist in the space between a world so foreign, so inaccessible to me, and the human world.
And within this trail mix bag of an identity, there is the local environment. My swamps, my wetlands, the fish that keep the local economy alive and that I grew up catching and eating. You can't separate my gillmanhood from my adoration for the culture and ecosystems of my home. The Ichthyostega was from Greenland, but I am here, in the American South. The form I take and the way I connect with the world around me is directly tied to where I grew up. Unlike many nonhumans, my "habitat" would have always been near my childhood. Of course, not everything here is swampland, but the cypress trees grow wherever there is water, be it creek or flooded lawn, and that's where you'll find me. Near them and in the mud. Had I grown up in the mountains, my nonhumanity would have manifested completely differently.
And then my inner world, which I have an interesting relationship with. I call it a world building project but its more like... building a world for me. I share it with others and they see it as my original characters and while they aren't wrong, those who have watched it grow know that it is like a memoir to me. It's how I process my life, the world around me. How I make sense of the things that happen and explorations of my urges and desires that really drive my nonhumanity. I am them, they are me. They don't make up my whole identity, there are other things I experience that they don't and things that they do that I have no intimate connection to. But their bodies and their world is one that I would be more comfortable in. They were created from the previously mentioned alien octopi dream and have gone on to become a manifestation (or perhaps even a love letter) to the things that I believe to make me nonhuman.
So, is it worth it to dive deeper into my love for cephalopods? They are such a small part of this large, complex identity that intertwines with my whole life. They aren't an identity on their own, but its clear that they are an integral part of why I am the way I am today. Even if we take into account my adoration for fish monsters as a child and the playful onset of phantom webbed hands from games of play-pretend, it is the octopus that completely rewrote the way I see myself. I think that deserves interrogating and paying more attention to. But outside of consuming more octopi media, I am unsure how to do that. I can connect with gillmanhood as a whole through food, movement, sounds, and clothing. Alienness is achieved by being a gillman and thriving in the in-betweens. Nothing I do or have ever done evokes feelings around my connection to cephalopods, despite their deep importance to me. Even gargoyles, whose status as a hearttype allows for me to have a more loose definition on what my connection exactly is and how it impacts me, have their own genre of actions that I can take in order to feel closer to them.
I have begun, recently, to break my identity down into smaller parts. In an attempt to talk about how I see myself recently, I've had to rip myself open and inspect all the smaller aspects. Pencorpus has been great in doing that for me, but it's also created its own issues. I can easily point to every part of being a jersey devil because it feels so disjoined and so incomplete. It's hollow, but still present. That makes it easy to define and articulate. It has a clear beginning and end. The issue is that I am now more aware of all the much smaller intricacies that make up my full gillman identity even though it is nigh impossible, due to its complexity. It's not very fun, I am not a fan of micro labels but I see myself stepping closer and closer to creating dozens of my own just to make myself easier to define for discussions sake.
By nature (or perhaps trade, who knows), I need to be able to easily define all my terms plainly and clearly before I even begin analyzing them. This applies to everything, especially my own emotions. If I can not lay my argument down and have it be clear and cohesive and easy to understand, then I need to keep it in the drafts and keep working away at it. Clearly, that is an issue when it comes to introspection. There is no way for me to know my whole self, understand my whole self, and then discuss and analyze my whole self at any given moment. I change often and greatly, and I will never be able to encompass that. No label I make will be able to define what being a gillman is and what it entails. And it annoys me! I know I can't rely on my current modes of thinking when it comes to personal reflection, and I must let go of this idea that I need to be all knowing about my experiences and emotions in order to talk about them.
So... Do I lean more into cephalopods? I don't know. I wont right now, at least. Despite their importance to who I am, I am not coming at this with a genuine desire to be closer to that part of me. I am coming at this from a desire to label and categorize things, and that is not conducive to what my goal is. I have written like this in the past, and always thrown it out because of how unorganized they always are. No thesis, no real evidence, my paragraphs are shorter than they should be and my syntax is appalling. There's an academic structure, sure, but it's all from that place of needing to overexplain and overcompensate. If I can't argue perfectly, it's not an argument worth making. If I can't understand myself perfectly, it's not worth it to try and be understood. I am going to post this anyway because I think it'll be good for me. A sort of exposure therapy in being able to let emotions be less than perfect. It's unedited, I haven't checked for errors, and it's a bit everywhere. Hopefully it works, and hopefully I can put out some better written, more meaningful things soon.
Godbwye.
I had some interesting experiences this weekend.
I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing.
It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it.
Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.
I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one.
Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one.
I went to my college's football game and had a very wonderful time. There is this area where you can look out over campus. It's probably the highest point that is easily accessible for me and man. I could just sit there and watch forever. I love it. I love people watching (especially during a college football game) and I love sitting up high and doing it. Out of the way and on my own a bit. Being gargoyle otherhearted is not very exciting, there are only so many things that gargoyles do. Especially since it's not the type that come alive, so there are no neat little lore bits that I can tap into. But the times I do have are very good and very relaxing.
It's also good to note that when I connect to another 'type, my gillmen 'type is weakened significantly (and, in turn, so is my alien 'type). My moments with my gargoyleness opened the floodgates, and I spent the rest of the evening deep in my pencorpus. A lot of it had to do with being so high at night and the clouds... I had to fight the urge to jump off and fly. I don't get that deep desire as often as I did back when I was a dragon, but it's definitely still in me, as are the big leathery wings that come out with it. And, since the gillman phantom limbs were out for the evening, every other phantom sensation came along with it.
Ears (this time resembling a cows), hooves, and horns. I'm not sure what animal to compare the horns to. They were ramming horns in the sense that they were close to the head, but straight back and stout. Similar in shape to perhaps a Gemsbok. No tail this time, although tails are pretty rare for me. But there were these strange extensions on my elbows. No idea how or why or what they even were. Like Bisharp, the pokemon.
I've enjoyed coining Pencorpus. The way I feel when I'm not so deep as a gillman is very much in the shape of a jersey devil, but I don't see myself as one.
Anyway, I was back in fish mode that next day. So much so that I started crying over my fish cravings. I was starving, but the only thing that I wanted to eat was some tinned fish or something similar. Raw or close to it, not cooked in a meal. In reality, I was probably very tired and just needed to cry anyway, but the only thing I could think about was how much I needed some smoked salmon. So my girlfriend came with me to get some and I got to make some everything bagels with onion and chives creme cheese, smoked salmon, and capers. It was exactly what I needed and I can not express the numbers it did on my mood. I can't wait to get home today to make myself another one.
Morning Musings
Sep. 5th, 2025 08:47 amChattering my teeth at some of the beautiful journals on here... I'd like to see if I can get mine to look like that. I'd like a nice green swampy page ;]
I'd also like to figure out how to make a sticky post, that way I can have an about me. I'll figure it out somehow some way, but for now I shall drink from my (green) coffee mug and enjoy the morning.
I have a very wonderful system. I wake up to my alarm clock, which actually plays the local radio. I get to sit in bed and listen to it for 30 minuets, then my girlfriend comes in to make sure I'm alive. I always drive them to their 8 AM classes. Then I come back home and make myself some coffee, cereal, and then I sit at my desk and do whatever I feel until 9 or 10, in which I go to campus for my classes (they usually start an hour from when I leave).
This whole process is very... shifty to me. I don't know why, but my fins are never more vivid than when I am in this routine. I think it has something to do with the solitude, the silence. The way the light rushes in through the blinds. I'm in my territory taking care of myself.
I've been debating again on getting some webbed hand gloves to just wear around. I'm unsure if every finger would be webbed of if I would leave the thumb out. Mostly because of how difficult it'd be to navigate with my pointer and thumbs webbed. I guess I could always cut it out if it becomes too much. I think it'd be so nice to have at least my webbed hands back. I've had them for over 10 years, they're a very important part of me.
That's about all I have this morning. It is nearly 9, so I need to get out and about and leave my swamp (den? burrow? what should gillmen call their home?) for class.
Godbwye.
I'd also like to figure out how to make a sticky post, that way I can have an about me. I'll figure it out somehow some way, but for now I shall drink from my (green) coffee mug and enjoy the morning.
I have a very wonderful system. I wake up to my alarm clock, which actually plays the local radio. I get to sit in bed and listen to it for 30 minuets, then my girlfriend comes in to make sure I'm alive. I always drive them to their 8 AM classes. Then I come back home and make myself some coffee, cereal, and then I sit at my desk and do whatever I feel until 9 or 10, in which I go to campus for my classes (they usually start an hour from when I leave).
This whole process is very... shifty to me. I don't know why, but my fins are never more vivid than when I am in this routine. I think it has something to do with the solitude, the silence. The way the light rushes in through the blinds. I'm in my territory taking care of myself.
I've been debating again on getting some webbed hand gloves to just wear around. I'm unsure if every finger would be webbed of if I would leave the thumb out. Mostly because of how difficult it'd be to navigate with my pointer and thumbs webbed. I guess I could always cut it out if it becomes too much. I think it'd be so nice to have at least my webbed hands back. I've had them for over 10 years, they're a very important part of me.
That's about all I have this morning. It is nearly 9, so I need to get out and about and leave my swamp (den? burrow? what should gillmen call their home?) for class.
Godbwye.
VPN and Dreamwidth
Sep. 1st, 2025 07:55 amLuckily for me, my VPN allows me to still visit dreamwidth despite Mississippi's geolocating law. I'm glad to be able to be here still, although it makes me sad that I have to do such things. The internet should be free for us to traverse as we please.
This is the second and only other term I have made for myself. See the original post on tumblr here.
Pencorpus
From Latin paene ("almost") and corpus ("body"). Literally meaning "almost a body". Inspired by the word "penumbra", which is defined as "a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light" or "a surrounding or adjoining region in which something exists in a lesser degree".
A term to describe a nonhuman identity that is not experienced in full or otherwise feels hollow, disjointed, fractured, or void of emotion [when compared to an individuals other nonhuman identities].
A group of regularly occurring nonhuman experiences that are not linked to an already known kintype, theriotype, or other personal nonhuman identity; not categorized wholly as a cameo shift or otherwise made up of too many moving parts to be easily described as a cameo shift; not inherently connected, but often times experienced within close proximity of each other; important to someone's experience. A pencorpus is considered an identity or state of being purely because the body or mind is experiencing itself as that thing, not because of a spiritual or emotional connection.
A pencorpus is not a singular experience, but rather a way to describe multiple shifts or experiences without having to explicitly describe each one. A pencorpus may be made up of different cameo shifts, residual shifts from anteatypes, or any other combination of experiences. It is is a labeled bag to throw things into so that you can talk about them more easily.
Further Discussion
This term, much like satellotype, was created for my personal use. Anyone is free to use it (I would be happy to know that I've helped others articulate themselves), but do note that this is me looking at myself, as opposed to me looking at the community.
I have a lot of cameo shifts. I am the type of beast who can call upon any phantom sensation at will. I have been since I was 7 or 8. Many times, I default to a gillman. Not always, though, and when I'm not a gillman, I have a variety of cameo shifts. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes its only one, sometimes I experience them all in a day one at a time. If you take all of my regular cameo shifts and shove them together, I'll look something like a jersey devil. Sometimes the specifics change, but this has been happening regularly for over a year, with some of the cameo shifts that make it up having always existed in me.
Like cameo shifts, I experience being a jersey devil without identifying as a jersey devil. But this is not a jersey devil cameo shift, it is a collection of unrelated, regularly occurring cameo shifts that resemble a jersey devil. I could, if I wanted, just call it a jersey devil 'type and move on. And many others would likely do just that, instead of coining a new term. But I have no emotional attachment to jersey devils. They mean little to nothing to me in the context of being nonhuman. It's void of all the meaning that many of my other 'types hold. It's an experience I want to talk about without attributing it more significance than it has.
There is also the question of "why not call it a cameotype?" And it makes sense, since we often talk about cameo shifts, but a cameotype is an earlier name of the paratype. And a pencorpus is, in my opinion, the spiritual opposite of a paratype. It's something you experience that is a bit disconnected from yourself, that holds little importance despite it being a state of being, as opposed to the emotionally or spiritually significant paratype.
I am putting this term on my dreamwidth the same day that I posted it to tumblr, so my thoughts on all of this don't really differ much from the tumblr post.
Pencorpus
From Latin paene ("almost") and corpus ("body"). Literally meaning "almost a body". Inspired by the word "penumbra", which is defined as "a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light" or "a surrounding or adjoining region in which something exists in a lesser degree".
A term to describe a nonhuman identity that is not experienced in full or otherwise feels hollow, disjointed, fractured, or void of emotion [when compared to an individuals other nonhuman identities].
A group of regularly occurring nonhuman experiences that are not linked to an already known kintype, theriotype, or other personal nonhuman identity; not categorized wholly as a cameo shift or otherwise made up of too many moving parts to be easily described as a cameo shift; not inherently connected, but often times experienced within close proximity of each other; important to someone's experience. A pencorpus is considered an identity or state of being purely because the body or mind is experiencing itself as that thing, not because of a spiritual or emotional connection.
A pencorpus is not a singular experience, but rather a way to describe multiple shifts or experiences without having to explicitly describe each one. A pencorpus may be made up of different cameo shifts, residual shifts from anteatypes, or any other combination of experiences. It is is a labeled bag to throw things into so that you can talk about them more easily.
Further Discussion
This term, much like satellotype, was created for my personal use. Anyone is free to use it (I would be happy to know that I've helped others articulate themselves), but do note that this is me looking at myself, as opposed to me looking at the community.
I have a lot of cameo shifts. I am the type of beast who can call upon any phantom sensation at will. I have been since I was 7 or 8. Many times, I default to a gillman. Not always, though, and when I'm not a gillman, I have a variety of cameo shifts. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes its only one, sometimes I experience them all in a day one at a time. If you take all of my regular cameo shifts and shove them together, I'll look something like a jersey devil. Sometimes the specifics change, but this has been happening regularly for over a year, with some of the cameo shifts that make it up having always existed in me.
Like cameo shifts, I experience being a jersey devil without identifying as a jersey devil. But this is not a jersey devil cameo shift, it is a collection of unrelated, regularly occurring cameo shifts that resemble a jersey devil. I could, if I wanted, just call it a jersey devil 'type and move on. And many others would likely do just that, instead of coining a new term. But I have no emotional attachment to jersey devils. They mean little to nothing to me in the context of being nonhuman. It's void of all the meaning that many of my other 'types hold. It's an experience I want to talk about without attributing it more significance than it has.
There is also the question of "why not call it a cameotype?" And it makes sense, since we often talk about cameo shifts, but a cameotype is an earlier name of the paratype. And a pencorpus is, in my opinion, the spiritual opposite of a paratype. It's something you experience that is a bit disconnected from yourself, that holds little importance despite it being a state of being, as opposed to the emotionally or spiritually significant paratype.
I am putting this term on my dreamwidth the same day that I posted it to tumblr, so my thoughts on all of this don't really differ much from the tumblr post.
Satellotype
Aug. 26th, 2025 01:02 pm I have created a few terms for myself to better articulate the way all my different experiences interact with each other. I've decided to post them here.
The original tumblr post can be found here.
Satellotype
“Middle French, from Latin satellit-, satelles attendant”
“a celestial body orbiting another of larger size; a manufactured object or vehicle intended to orbit the earth, the moon, or another celestial body”
Potentially “satelle” for short.
A term to describe a nonhuman identity that revolves around, enhances, describes, acts as an accessory to, is only expressed through, or otherwise is secondary to a primary 'type, 'link, and/or alterhuman or nonhuman identity or identities.
An identity that may be otherwise inaccessible unless though interaction with another identity.*
A kintype for your kintype, a sense of nonhumanity that impacts how one may experience or describe a specific 'type. A way to articulate an underlying sense of understanding towards a nonhuman identity.
A satellotype may not be literal. A wolf therian may have a cryptid satelle attached to their wolf identity, but that does not make the wolf itself a cryptid. They may feel that their understanding of their 'type, their expression of their 'type, or their experience with this 'type is reminiscent of a cryptid.
This may be used those who wish to describe the way multiple 'types or 'kins interact with each other. Sattelotypes may come and go, be permanent, or there may be multiple types active at once, but they always act secondary to a "primary" 'type. A satellotype, despite being secondary, is no less important or impactful than the 'type it revolves around.
Further Discussion
I've been questioned about satellotypes similarity to paratype by two or three users, and usually others speak about the two labels in the same breath. I do think that they are similar. A satellotype can be a paratype, there is overlap. They are not the same to me, though, as I made satellotype to help me describe how I can only be an alien by being a gillman. I am an alien, just as much as I am a gillman. But I can not be an alien alone. Only by indulging in my gillmanhood, grumbling, lurking, eating fish, swimming, etc., can I feel like the alien I am.
When trying to think about how to create a term to articulate that, I decided to make the satelle not necessarily a full identity because I could see the label being bent and wanted to allow for elasticity. For instance, a wolf who may feel like a domestic dog. But they only ever feel like a domestic dog when interacting directly with their wolf-ness. They are not necessarily a domestic dog, may not connect to domestic dogs, but experience something akin to domestic dog-ness when being a wolf in certain situations. Given that the exitance of my alienness "underneath" my gillmanhood results in an alien-like gillman, the idea of other underlying non-identities that impact another 'type didn't seem like much of a stretch.
I think that elasticity is what caused for the confusion and overlap with paratype. Was it a mistake to emphasize both aspects equally? Maybe, I don't know. I had never made a label before satellotype, so I'm not surprised that there are some things I did wrong. It's also important to note that I made this label for myself, and I posted it so that I could have a definition to point to when someone asked what in the world a "satellotype" was. My understanding of the label has grown significantly since I first wrote it down, and I'd like to sit down and rehash some parts of it at some point. The definition here is the original, with one line added in, noted by the asterisk. The discussion here is also different, as I wanted to address it's similarity to paratype directly. I will likely reblog the original post with my thoughts later today. Or whenever I get the chance.
godbwye
The original tumblr post can be found here.
Satellotype
“Middle French, from Latin satellit-, satelles attendant”
“a celestial body orbiting another of larger size; a manufactured object or vehicle intended to orbit the earth, the moon, or another celestial body”
Potentially “satelle” for short.
A term to describe a nonhuman identity that revolves around, enhances, describes, acts as an accessory to, is only expressed through, or otherwise is secondary to a primary 'type, 'link, and/or alterhuman or nonhuman identity or identities.
An identity that may be otherwise inaccessible unless though interaction with another identity.*
A kintype for your kintype, a sense of nonhumanity that impacts how one may experience or describe a specific 'type. A way to articulate an underlying sense of understanding towards a nonhuman identity.
A satellotype may not be literal. A wolf therian may have a cryptid satelle attached to their wolf identity, but that does not make the wolf itself a cryptid. They may feel that their understanding of their 'type, their expression of their 'type, or their experience with this 'type is reminiscent of a cryptid.
This may be used those who wish to describe the way multiple 'types or 'kins interact with each other. Sattelotypes may come and go, be permanent, or there may be multiple types active at once, but they always act secondary to a "primary" 'type. A satellotype, despite being secondary, is no less important or impactful than the 'type it revolves around.
Further Discussion
I've been questioned about satellotypes similarity to paratype by two or three users, and usually others speak about the two labels in the same breath. I do think that they are similar. A satellotype can be a paratype, there is overlap. They are not the same to me, though, as I made satellotype to help me describe how I can only be an alien by being a gillman. I am an alien, just as much as I am a gillman. But I can not be an alien alone. Only by indulging in my gillmanhood, grumbling, lurking, eating fish, swimming, etc., can I feel like the alien I am.
When trying to think about how to create a term to articulate that, I decided to make the satelle not necessarily a full identity because I could see the label being bent and wanted to allow for elasticity. For instance, a wolf who may feel like a domestic dog. But they only ever feel like a domestic dog when interacting directly with their wolf-ness. They are not necessarily a domestic dog, may not connect to domestic dogs, but experience something akin to domestic dog-ness when being a wolf in certain situations. Given that the exitance of my alienness "underneath" my gillmanhood results in an alien-like gillman, the idea of other underlying non-identities that impact another 'type didn't seem like much of a stretch.
I think that elasticity is what caused for the confusion and overlap with paratype. Was it a mistake to emphasize both aspects equally? Maybe, I don't know. I had never made a label before satellotype, so I'm not surprised that there are some things I did wrong. It's also important to note that I made this label for myself, and I posted it so that I could have a definition to point to when someone asked what in the world a "satellotype" was. My understanding of the label has grown significantly since I first wrote it down, and I'd like to sit down and rehash some parts of it at some point. The definition here is the original, with one line added in, noted by the asterisk. The discussion here is also different, as I wanted to address it's similarity to paratype directly. I will likely reblog the original post with my thoughts later today. Or whenever I get the chance.
godbwye
short poem
Apr. 6th, 2025 11:53 pm A mutual of mine on tumblr, talon-dragonbeast, had the idea to take a stab at Joseph Fasano's poetry template for children and encouraged us other beasts to take a swing at it. You can see my attempt here, although I thought I might repost it here. I want to use this place more often. It's quite. I like it.
My name is Gillman.
Today I feel like a flurry of fins and sunshine.
Sometimes I am cool mud on a stone.
Sometimes I am a lizard dropping its tail.
But always I am a friend.
I ask the world, "how do I become a kinder beast?"
And the answer is a flurry of fins and sunshine.
This doesn't stick to Fasano's template perfectly, but I don't feel the need to. It's simple, but I like it.
Godbwye
My name is Gillman.
Today I feel like a flurry of fins and sunshine.
Sometimes I am cool mud on a stone.
Sometimes I am a lizard dropping its tail.
But always I am a friend.
I ask the world, "how do I become a kinder beast?"
And the answer is a flurry of fins and sunshine.
This doesn't stick to Fasano's template perfectly, but I don't feel the need to. It's simple, but I like it.
Godbwye
