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I have been learning to navigate my plenanima/pencorpus more smoothly recently. Understanding that difference between Me vs. Not Me, or perhaps now it is closer to the Fictional Me vs. Material Me. I've spoken at length about how fiction is deeply important to my identity, my unique experience with gender, and how my plenanima is inherently fictional, as opposed to my pencorpus. But I hadn't really realized how intense that actually was. So much of my plenanima is a defense mechanism, it is artifically constructed. This is not to say that it is not real, it is still incredibly real. But it is not some "inner animal" or "inner beast", it is not something inherent to me in the way than many feel their nonhumanity is inherent to them. My plenanima is something that I built up as a way to express myself in a way that was "allowed". It was a socially correct way for me to experience and engage with things like masculinity in a way that was expected of me. A way to process emotions that I felt I wasn't allowed to feel. I constructed a fiction that was safe for me to exist, and in turn absorbed that fiction as a whole. I didn't do this intentionally, but after sitting and feeling my emotions and rethinking about how I'd like to be seen any why, I can't really ignore how artificial my plenanima is.
I'm going to repeat myself here: my plenanima being artificial is not to put it down or say it's Fake or Less Than any other part of my identity. It's my lived experience, it's how I find control in an otherwise very hectic world. I've been functioning under a version of this constructed self for ten years. To say that I am somehow separate or unfused from it would be very inaccurate. But I have no idea how to articulate that level of artificial intimacy in a way that doesn't imply some level of "fakeness", if you know what I mean. I'm like a mollusk, I've created my own shell to protect me. It is a shell, it is not the soft fleshy vulnerable bits of myself, but it is still certainly me and it lets the soft fleshy bits of me navigate the world safely. I can't separate myself from it, but I can understand that it is a non-organic extension of the self. It's a little silly, almost. As I explore myself further, the original roles of plenanima and pencorpus have almost entirely swapped places.
As I begin to listen to my plenanima as I would listen to my pencorpus, I begin to juggle the complexities of their different genders and their ideal presentation. My gender is the same for both my plenanima and pencorpus, they do not have different genders, but the way I want to go about presenting that gender differs based on what part of me I listen to. On one hand, the plenanima was made in part to express my gender in a way that would please others. A sort of nonbinary, transmasculine, or butch sense of self. Masculine features, such as body hair and a deep voice, would be expected on me and I would therefore be allowed to desire such things. Masculine gender was the only channel through which I felt I could access desire for traditionally masculine traits. So my plenanima absorbed and became that masculine gender identity in a way that was very detached from myself, I could interact with masculine gender identity through my plenanima in a way that would not upset me, that would not give me dysphoria over having a masculine gender.
My pencorpus, on the other hand, never developed that masculine gender. Because it was protected by the plenanima, it houses a much more genuine gender expression that I am able to now tap into and explore. I am able to inhabit the Female Animal and my desires without needing masculine (or perhaps man-aligned?) gender to get there. I can desire power, strength, body hair, a deep voice, and other things while also retaining a distinctly female identity, without having to be transmasculine to get there. The issue with my pencorpus is that it is nearly impossible to exist in without reinforcing others ideas of cishet, "normal" feminine identity and womanhood onto myself. In the eyes of others, it is Woman Lite or Cis+ instead of a completely different axis on which to measure ideas and values associated with femininity or the idea of womanhood.
I can either listen to my plenanima and have access to emotions that are "allowed" and expected for me to experience while also existing in a constant state of mild gender dysphoria over masculine identity, or I can listen to my pencorpus and have traditional womanhood pushed onto me to combat my "masculine" desires but maintain a comfortable internal sense of gender. My plenanima is able to exist as-is without issue within a small circle of my friends. And I appreciate it very much, I am incredibly grateful for that, but I can't ignore how the vast majority of my experience in the real-world will not adhere to a very queer understanding of gender and that my presentation will dictate how others treat me, and in that situation my pencorpus would be of better use to me.
I am talking in circles. And I think that anyone reading this might be a bit exasperated with how much I am dwelling on this. But these are not feelings or emotions I can really ignore. If I prioritize one then I wound the other, I feel guilty and bad no matter which direction I go in. I am a minotaur stuck between "man" and "beast", unable to commit to either due to how strong these sides are.
And so the question has become "what to do?" What to do about my shell and flesh? In many ways my plenanima and pencorpus co-exist without issue. I can navigate the shifts and nonhuman urges with little issue, it's something I actually enjoy a lot! But there is this very clear shell holding me back, my fleshy bits want to grow legs and walk around! But I can not get rid of the shell, it has become such an important part of me, it's protected me and is absolutely fully integrated into my sense of self. It will be here forever. But I am unsure how to get rid of these limitations it has brought onto me.
Ideally, I would find a way to dissolve the barrier between plenanima and pencorpus. The best parts of both would be able to meld into one, to function in a way that was not so separate. I think a lot of this has to do with how gender is seen in both the queer community and the cishet world. I am displaced in both, and that is definitely one of the major influences in all of this. I come back to the minotaur.
I uncover more and more within me that rings true to being a minotaur, having to navigate my the labyrinth of duality and differences. In many ways, having this symbology for myself is comforting. It's my burden to bare, to be so divided. To inhabit multiple, sometimes contradicting truths and experiences. But it also reminds me that I am still one full individual, and that what I am and what I experience is just Something That Is. My labyrinth is man-made, I never had much of a choice about it. Who knows if I'll ever find my way out, but I do know that whatever walls are up right now aren't my fault and that I can, in fact, find peace and a sense of balance (even if I don't know how to do that, right now).
I'm going to repeat myself here: my plenanima being artificial is not to put it down or say it's Fake or Less Than any other part of my identity. It's my lived experience, it's how I find control in an otherwise very hectic world. I've been functioning under a version of this constructed self for ten years. To say that I am somehow separate or unfused from it would be very inaccurate. But I have no idea how to articulate that level of artificial intimacy in a way that doesn't imply some level of "fakeness", if you know what I mean. I'm like a mollusk, I've created my own shell to protect me. It is a shell, it is not the soft fleshy vulnerable bits of myself, but it is still certainly me and it lets the soft fleshy bits of me navigate the world safely. I can't separate myself from it, but I can understand that it is a non-organic extension of the self. It's a little silly, almost. As I explore myself further, the original roles of plenanima and pencorpus have almost entirely swapped places.
As I begin to listen to my plenanima as I would listen to my pencorpus, I begin to juggle the complexities of their different genders and their ideal presentation. My gender is the same for both my plenanima and pencorpus, they do not have different genders, but the way I want to go about presenting that gender differs based on what part of me I listen to. On one hand, the plenanima was made in part to express my gender in a way that would please others. A sort of nonbinary, transmasculine, or butch sense of self. Masculine features, such as body hair and a deep voice, would be expected on me and I would therefore be allowed to desire such things. Masculine gender was the only channel through which I felt I could access desire for traditionally masculine traits. So my plenanima absorbed and became that masculine gender identity in a way that was very detached from myself, I could interact with masculine gender identity through my plenanima in a way that would not upset me, that would not give me dysphoria over having a masculine gender.
My pencorpus, on the other hand, never developed that masculine gender. Because it was protected by the plenanima, it houses a much more genuine gender expression that I am able to now tap into and explore. I am able to inhabit the Female Animal and my desires without needing masculine (or perhaps man-aligned?) gender to get there. I can desire power, strength, body hair, a deep voice, and other things while also retaining a distinctly female identity, without having to be transmasculine to get there. The issue with my pencorpus is that it is nearly impossible to exist in without reinforcing others ideas of cishet, "normal" feminine identity and womanhood onto myself. In the eyes of others, it is Woman Lite or Cis+ instead of a completely different axis on which to measure ideas and values associated with femininity or the idea of womanhood.
I can either listen to my plenanima and have access to emotions that are "allowed" and expected for me to experience while also existing in a constant state of mild gender dysphoria over masculine identity, or I can listen to my pencorpus and have traditional womanhood pushed onto me to combat my "masculine" desires but maintain a comfortable internal sense of gender. My plenanima is able to exist as-is without issue within a small circle of my friends. And I appreciate it very much, I am incredibly grateful for that, but I can't ignore how the vast majority of my experience in the real-world will not adhere to a very queer understanding of gender and that my presentation will dictate how others treat me, and in that situation my pencorpus would be of better use to me.
I am talking in circles. And I think that anyone reading this might be a bit exasperated with how much I am dwelling on this. But these are not feelings or emotions I can really ignore. If I prioritize one then I wound the other, I feel guilty and bad no matter which direction I go in. I am a minotaur stuck between "man" and "beast", unable to commit to either due to how strong these sides are.
And so the question has become "what to do?" What to do about my shell and flesh? In many ways my plenanima and pencorpus co-exist without issue. I can navigate the shifts and nonhuman urges with little issue, it's something I actually enjoy a lot! But there is this very clear shell holding me back, my fleshy bits want to grow legs and walk around! But I can not get rid of the shell, it has become such an important part of me, it's protected me and is absolutely fully integrated into my sense of self. It will be here forever. But I am unsure how to get rid of these limitations it has brought onto me.
Ideally, I would find a way to dissolve the barrier between plenanima and pencorpus. The best parts of both would be able to meld into one, to function in a way that was not so separate. I think a lot of this has to do with how gender is seen in both the queer community and the cishet world. I am displaced in both, and that is definitely one of the major influences in all of this. I come back to the minotaur.
I uncover more and more within me that rings true to being a minotaur, having to navigate my the labyrinth of duality and differences. In many ways, having this symbology for myself is comforting. It's my burden to bare, to be so divided. To inhabit multiple, sometimes contradicting truths and experiences. But it also reminds me that I am still one full individual, and that what I am and what I experience is just Something That Is. My labyrinth is man-made, I never had much of a choice about it. Who knows if I'll ever find my way out, but I do know that whatever walls are up right now aren't my fault and that I can, in fact, find peace and a sense of balance (even if I don't know how to do that, right now).
